So. I have (had) all these dreams of having a "magazine" house. Well, not quite... but close to it. After all, I live there... it's certainly not going to be spotless all of the time. But I was hoping for a look that when it is cleaned up, it looked a bit like a magazine house, and that maybe if I liked that look (which I do), I would actually keep it that way. Does that even make sense?

Well, there's a problem with these magazine houses. They cost money. And I could afford to spend some money to get close to that look. But every time I look at that stuff, I just keep thinking "I don't want to pay that much money!"

And then, King Isepik, being as handy as he is, will say, "Oh, I can make that." Which is true. He probably can. He's very talented. But then I'm left thinking "But when?" or "Will it really happen?" or "Will it really turn out the way I want it to?" And all of my crazy indecision and worry means that nothing happens.

But then, maybe nothing should be happening. Maybe something completely crazy will happen and we won't get the house *cringe!* or maybe just something will happen that will wipe us out financially so I can't afford to get anything anyway (like an almost $300 mechanic bill yesterday).

And I think I'm tired of being indecisive. I really need my own house so I can find myself again and do what I want (more accurately - what Isepik and I want) without worrying so much about what other people think. But that's not right either. Because I don't think I really care what other people think -- if I did I wouldn't have married Isepik, we wouldn't have had kids, etc, etc, etc. But some people are so narrow-minded or stingy or afraid -- they simply don't DO things because there is some kind of a risk involved. SO WHAT if I spend $300 on patio furniture that only lasts me 5 years?!?? That furniture would cost me $5 per month or (get this!) .16 PER DAY! Surely the enjoyment we would get from that furniture is worth .16!

I want my new house -- I'm ready for it. I can't wait to experience the joys of home ownership again. To be able to paint a wall whatever color you want it to be, and if it's the wrong color, paint it again the next weekend. To be able to plant a garden - or several. To have a playset or a swingset or simply a sandbox. To plant 3-foot high shrubs or 50-foot high trees. To do what I want, when I want, however I want.

I can't wait.